Welcome to Dave Airlines 

“in the case of a water landing, those who can’t swim are going to have a tough time. Hold your breath as long as you can. Be nice to other passengers,  in case they know how to swim. Exits are located over the wings, however, if the wings come off, that’ll be tough. In the case of a power loss, lights will illuminate along the aisles,  as long as we didn’t forget to change the batteries. In the case of a crash landing, climb over anyone in your way to the nearest exit. Small portable electronic devices may be used as long as they’re in airplane mode, because, well, we’re on an airplane. If oxygen masks drop from the overhead, it’s probably too late. Tampering with, disabling,  or destroying lavatory smoke detectors will get your ass kicked.  Please, remain seated, with your seat belt fastened securely, so that locating your bodies will be easier.”

Thank you for flying with Dave Airlines. 

Some more Windows suggestions

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Based on a week of agony with customer projects that feel like a gasoline truck went off a bridge into a swamp filled with alligators gang-raping a pile of C-4 explosives.  Or something like that.  Whatever.  I need sleep. No, wait.  I need caffeine!  The great cure for all that needs curing.  Anyhow, where was I?  Oh yeah.

Suggestion 1 – Default Domain Policy needs an ass-whipping

The Default Domain is famous for two main reasons:

  1. It’s the core of the basic AD configuration invasion and occupation forces, and as such, is supposed to be treated delicately.
  2. Users mow it down like a roasted pig at a homeless shelter barbecue

So, if it’s considered bad to muck with it beyond basic user password and other security-focused settings, why even include any other settings?

Therefore, as your candidate, I would push for a new Default Domain policy that ONLY contains a handful of settings and nothing else.  You want other settings?  Go make them yourself.  The hard way.  Like your great great great great and not-so-great grandparents did, with their bare hands.  Sun-up to sun-down.  In the vast, frozen fields, fighting off bears and rabid squirrels and shit.

I need sleep.

Suggestion 2 – Turn File Extensions on By Default

Turn them off, and you should be punished.  Like, eyelids stitched back to your forehead, strapped to a chair and forced to watch The View re-runs for an entire week, without food or water, punished.

Hiding file extensions isn’t just dumber than the dumbest of dumb things, it’s also dumb.  It’s a security hole, and it confounds Help Desks the world over, with clueless users torturing their techs as follows:

“Yes maam, I know you can’t work without that Cantankerous Cats wallpaper, but if you could just please find the .JPG file and right-click on it….

“I don’t see any Jay Peg files on my machine.  I’m looking for Can Tank Are Us Cats, but I don’t see no Jay Peg files”

“It probably isn’t showing the J..P..G… extension, but…”

“The what?”

“The J-PEG extension”

“What’s an extension?”

“It’s a, hold on a second while I load my 9mm…. okay, I’m back.  Do you see a file in the Pictures folder that looks like a small picture?”

“I see a lot of picture files in my pictures folder.  Isn’t that what it’s for?”

“Yes…. (click click click)… Do you see one that has that stupid ass name, I’m sorry, I mean that cute kitty name in it?”

“I see one called ‘Spora – Cats are Ransomware Screensaver’, should I open that one?”

*** bang! ***

“Hello?”

“Hello?!”

“I opened it, but now I’m getting a message about entering a credit card….”