humor, Uncategorized

Random thoughts

sir_shower_cat

A short list of things I’ve learned in my fifty-five years on this planet, which has been sitting in my drafts bin for 2 years.

  1. Not everyone who wanders is lost.
  2. Assuming everyone who wanders is lost could mean that you’re lost.
  3. If you hate Coke, it does not automatically mean you love Pepsi.
  4. Newer is not automatically better.
  5. If there’s a salesperson involved, it’s because it needed selling.
  6. Work is never really eliminated.  It’s just moved around.
  7. You can’t truly appreciate something until you’ve worked for it.
  8. The more legs a creature has, the more love it has.  Except when it gets past 8 legs, then it’s scarry.
  9. Most people complain most often about things they know the least about.
  10. The best programming language hasn’t been invented yet.
  11. Every generation wants the next to think that they had all the fun.
  12. Every generation thinks they had to work harder than the next.
  13. If it doesn’t cut expenses, or increase revenue, it’s probably junk.
  14. Fixing bugs is not refactoring.
  15. Chances are good that a reboot will fix it.

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humor, Personal, Scripting, Technology

$HoHoHo = ($HoList | Do-HoHos -Days 12) version 1812.18.01

santa-riot

UPDATE: 2018.12.18 (1812.18.01) = Thanks to Jim Bezdan (@jimbezdan) for adding the speech synthesizer coolness!  I also fixed the counter in the internal loop.  Now it sounds like HAL 9000 but without getting your pod locked out of the mother ship. 😀

I’m feeling festive today.  And stupid.  But they’re not mutually exclusive, and neither am I, and so can you!   Let’s have some fun…

Paste all of this sticky mess into a file and save it with a .ps1 extension.  Then put on your Bing Crosby MP3 list and run it.

Download from GitHub: https://raw.githubusercontent.com/Skatterbrainz/Utilities/master/Invoke-HoHoHo.ps1

The function…

function Write-ProperCounter {
    param (
      [parameter(Mandatory=$True)]
      [ValidateRange(1,12)]
      [int] $Number
    )
    if ($Number -gt 3) {
        return $([string]$Number+'th')
    }
    else {
        switch ($Number) {
            1 { return '1st'; break; }
            2 { return '2nd'; break; }
            3 { return '3rd'; break; }
        }
    }
}

The bag-o-gifts…

$gifts = (
    'a partridge in a Pear tree',
    'Turtle doves, and',
    'French hens',
    'Colly birds',
    'gold rings',
    'geese a-laying',
    'swans a-swimming',
    'maids a-milking',
    'ladies dancing',
    'lords a-leaping',
    'pipers piping',
    'drummers drumming'
)
# the sleigh ride...
Add-Type -AssemblyName System.Speech
$Speak = New-Object System.Speech.Synthesis.SpeechSynthesizer

for ($i = 0; $i -lt $gifts.Count; $i++) {
    Write-Host "On the $(Write-ProperCounter $($i + 1)) day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:"
    $speak.speak(“On the $(Write-ProperCounter $($i + 1)) day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,”)
    $mygifts = [string[]]$gifts[0..$i]
    [array]::Reverse($mygifts)
    $x = $i + 1
    foreach ($gift in $mygifts) {
        if ($x -eq 1) {
            $thisGift = $gift
        }
        else {
            $thisGift = "$x $gift"
        }
        Write-Host "...$thisGift"
        $Speak.Speak($thisGift)
        $x--
    }
}

Enjoy!

humor, Personal

My Holiday Wishlist and Resolution Bundle

  1. My oldest daughter will have a healthy baby this coming May
  2. No more “Semi-Annual”, “Monthly”, “Broad”, channel weirdness. Just “Ring0”, “Ring1”, etc.
  3. The ConfigMgr console gets real drag-and-drop support
  4. An international conference agrees to broker all acronyms.  No more dual-meanings
  5. Azure adds a normal UX-efficient desktop style UI, instead of the stupid tablet-style “blade” UI
  6. Azure Automation Runbooks testing allows viewing the last test output WHILE in the runbook editor (without cheating)
  7. A 14 inch HP/Dell/Lenovo/Acer laptop with Core i7, 16 gb memory, NVME boot storage and room for an SSD for under $500
  8. Azure Automation Runbooks testing process displays real-time output
  9. Ubuntu bundles WMI-compliant CIM into the standard distribution, with an API exposed to PowerShell Core
  10. My dog would stop farting in my office while I’m on business calls
  11. Intune would add equal inventory granularity with ConfigMgr to leverage inventory data for reports, policies, targeting, etc.
  12. ConfigMgr would update the little tragically-underfed homeless query editor
  13. People would stop carding me when I order an adult beverage even though I look like Moses’ beardless brother
  14. Microsoft would release a new Windows client that blocks ANY installs except .MSI or .MSIX – period. No exceptions ever.
  15. Roku would add a TV volume control to their phone app (I don’t care if it’s technically feasible, I want it)
  16. Notepad++ would include a snippets library feature as f-ing awesome as TextPad has always had (sorry, but the add-ins all suck)
  17. My son would stop leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor when taking a shower
  18. The number of blogs/podcasts/videos showing how to install and configure things would balance out with the blogs/podcasts/videos showing how to use the cool features (the balance still favors installation complexity, which is unfortunate, unless you’re a consultant, cough cough)
  19. Someone would actually read up to item 19
  20. Get a monthly PowerShell users group off the ground here, finally
  21. Santa adds to my shot-glass collection.  I still need about a dozen more US cities
  22. Santa brings us a better harness for turd brain (aka “snuggle turd”, aka “stinky brain”, aka “Dory”, aka my 100lbs chocolate lab from Mars)
  23. Santa shoves a whole Roland TDK30 kit down our broken chimney
  24. Start going to bed earlier
  25. Write another book (it’s been awhile)
  26. Increase my studying efforts / attend more user groups and conferences
  27. Stop rambling on long blog lists about silly stuff like holiday wishlists
  28. Build more projects in my garage
  29. 29 is a weird number to run out of wishlist ideas.  I should add things like ending cancer and world hunger, stopping all wars, making all politicians honest and hard-working, making everyone nice on social media, and Virginia getting a professional sports franchise (any sport will do).  Eh.
humor, Personal, Society, Technology

Cranky AFaaS

I’m starting to use this “aaS” suffix more and more in casual conversation now.  I’m not just stooping to bag my dog’s fecal dispersions, I’m providing Feces-aas or FaaS.  I’m not talking shit around the coffee pot anymore, I’m providing BSaaS.  That’s right, I claim it as the first official use of “Bull-Shit-as-a-Service”, even though technically, the act itself was perfected by the US government a hundred years ago.  Nobody can touch them now.

techsupport

So, this week has immersed me in a series of, shall I say, annoyances.  The kind that spin my brain platter around to that classic tune: “Stupid AF but we’ve gotten so used to it that it seems normal now”.

Like this…

bs_onedrive.png

and this…

bs_office_odt

…and that’s only the beginning.

Then I heard a clerk at the grocery store talking to a customer ahead of me.  It went a little like this…

Clerk: “No maam, once you write the check out for the actual amount, I can’t give you cash back, unless you write another check.”

Maam: “This shit is bullshit!

Clerk: “Well, I suppose that it has to be some kind of shit. But that’s all I can do.

Now, technically he was absolutely correct.  But I don’t think is manager was amused, but he obviously agreed with this employee, and dammit, my beer was getting warm on that slimy conveyor belt waiting for her to move on.

Then I found out that “SCCM” has been hijacked, like all good initialisms/acronyms, by some glue-sniffing, child-abducting gang calling themselves “Society of Critical Care Medicine“.  The nerve of those people thinking their silly medical skills somehow matter more in this dangerous world than deploying patches to machines over shitty WAN/VPN/Wi-Fi links at 3am.

For the love of caffeine, can we get someone to form an official group to manage all these acronyms which now have multiple meanings?

Then!

Then I walking my dog, Dory, who at 100lbs, actually walks me, but that’s beside the point, and one of my neighbors stops me on the street…

Her: “OMG.  Did you see the rabid fox running around here?!  It chased me into the house with my two little dogs dragging behind me!”

Me: “Ummm…”

Her: “So, I called the police, they said I had to call Animal Control, who said unless I could keep my eyes directly on it, they can’t come out to do anything.  And I said…” (this is where I started to glaze over and pictured my dog getting mauled by some rabid animal and me trying to fend it off with a roll of poopoo bags in a plastic container…) “and so I just wanted to let you know.  Be careful!”

She went inside, I kept walking (getting walked by) my dog, and then saw the rabid fox limping around like it had finished off a case of beer or something, about 100 yards to my right.  I called our action-packed police department…

311: “Police non-emergency.  What’s the problem you wish to report”

Me: “We have a rabid fox running around our neighborhood.”

311: “I’ll patch you through to Animal Control.  If you get put on hold too long, their direct number is (insert “1-800-IDGAF”).  Please hold…”

20 minutes, no answer.  Repeated recording about how important my call is.

Hang up.  Call back.  10 minutes on hold.  Another call, 5 minutes.  Never mind.  At this point, I’m hoping it bites the first city employee that drives through the area, but I don’t really mean that, it just sounds snarky.

So I tweet our tax-paid folks with my complaint…

311.png

It’s now 4:51 PM ET on a Friday, which means those folks left work about 5 days ago.

Anyhow.  I’m staying away from work this weekend, but I will be doing something.  Maybe cleaning up my Github tragedy, or rebuilding my lab catastrophe, or staring at my belly button and thinking “I was once connected by a cable!”

Seriously, taking the wife and two of our kids to see Bohemian Rhapsody tonight.  I hope it’s good.

humor

The Cutting Edge: Moving Office Restrooms to the Cloud

After a decade of cloud transformation taking hold in larger organizations around the world, small and medium-sized businesses have also begun to pursue a cloud-based strategy.  Many business leaders are now looking for other areas to apply cloud technology.  The latest area of interest just happens to be business restrooms.

Just imagine the cost savings of not having to maintain toilets, urinals, sinks, cleaners, soap, tissue, hand towels, running water, ventilation, and event the custodial staff in every office!  Let someone else manage those things in the cloud, and we can reduce our lease costs, utilities costs, and improve employee productivity at the same time!” – Mai Ballzak, Chief Morale Officer at Ben, Dover and Smooch, LLP

Indeed, the potential cost savings are enormous, with more than material implications, it has potential for impacting staffing costs as well.

Not only can we reduce custodial and maintenance staffing costs, but we’re actively implementing a new program to train our employees to not use restrooms as much.  Maybe never! This keeps them at their assigned posts and improves productivity.  The results have been incredible!” – Ima Gassius, COO at Sphinct-R

Ima also mentioned related programs, like their latest “Fiber is for networks, not for digestion” campaign.  The goal being to reduce the need to leave assigned posts for non-productive restroom visits.  “Aside from a few messes, we’re seeing much higher productivity numbers from our human subjects, uh, I mean, employees, no wait, we’re supposed to call them ‘associates’ now.  Yeah.

Technologists are also getting on board with the idea.

We’ve been doing cloud since before there even was a cloud.  At first, I thought it was crazy.  Then I remembered how we’ve been trying to establish a cloud-agnostic approach to moving our shit around.  This IS literally moving our shit around, and without all the usual crap.” – Mike Hunt, Senior Analysis Analyst at the Allied American Analysis Analysts Analysis Agency of America, or AAAAAAA.

(psssst.  yes, this is satire.  please do not take any of this seriously. And remember: kids, don’t do drugs)

humor

Things that make me nervous

  1. Cops following me for a long time
  2. Doctor says “I think we need to do more tests”
  3. Dentist (looks at x-ray and just shakes head)
  4. Someone pointing a gun at my face
  5. Only one open restroom and it’s out of toilet tissue on taco lunch day
  6. Driving in Boston around the holidays
  7. A spider walking on my face
  8. A TSA person who stares at me without blinking while meticulously stretching latex gloves
  9. Something running around inside the refrigerator
  10. Seeing “Jason Sandys has replied to your post”