humor, Technology

Finally! Dave’s Master’s Class on Programming Skills


You’ve waited years, in fact, decades, for this once-in-a-lifetime chance to peer inside the vast and empty space of my mind to gain invaluable insight to insightful and invaluable insights behind expert-level coding mastery! Say that ten times.

Well, here it is!

Open your favorite code editor and paste in whatever code you feel like working with right now.  Let’s get started!

Preparation

  • It’s important to keep a can of compressed air nearby in order to cool down the keyboard, as it will likely reach unbearable temperatures
  • I also recommend a small bowl filled with ice cubes to cool your fingers down after each lesson.
  • Liquefied Caffeine
  • Sugary ingestibles
  • Ear buds or headphones
  • Ear plugs for anyone else in the room

Lesson 1 – Code Formatting

  1. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  2. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  3. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  4. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  5. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  6. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  7. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  8. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  9. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  10. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  11. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  12. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  13. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  14. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  15. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  16. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  17. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  18. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  19. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  20. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  21. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  22. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  23. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  24. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  25. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  26. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  27. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  28. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  29. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  30. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  31. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  32. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  33. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  34. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  35. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  36. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  37. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  38. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  39. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  40. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  41. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  42. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  43. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  44. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  45. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  46. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  47. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  48. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  49. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL
  50. Press SHIFT+CTRL+[>] and DEL

Lesson 2 – Refactoring

  1. Highlight a line of code
  2. Press CTRL+C
  3. Click on the next empty line
  4. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  5. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  6. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  7. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  8. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  9. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  10. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  11. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  12. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  13. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  14. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  15. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  16. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  17. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  18. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  19. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  20. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  21. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  22. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  23. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  24. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  25. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  26. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  27. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  28. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  29. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  30. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  31. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  32. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  33. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  34. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  35. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  36. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  37. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  38. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  39. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  40. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  41. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  42. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  43. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  44. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  45. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  46. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  47. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  48. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  49. Press CTRL+V and ENTER
  50. Press CTRL+V and ENTER

Lesson 3 – Expert Refactoring

  1. Place cursor at beginning of first line of code
  2. Press TAB
  3. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  4. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  5. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  6. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  7. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  8. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  9. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  10. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  11. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  12. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  13. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  14. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  15. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  16. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  17. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  18. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  19. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  20. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  21. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  22. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  23. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  24. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  25. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  26. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  27. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  28. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  29. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  30. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  31. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  32. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  33. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  34. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  35. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  36. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  37. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  38. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  39. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  40. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  41. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  42. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  43. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  44. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  45. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  46. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  47. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  48. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  49. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB
  50. Press [Down Arrow]+[Home]+TAB

Lesson 4 – Super Expert Uber Refactoring

  1. Click the little [+] code-folding handle to collapse a bunch of code
  2. Click the tool icon to comment the entire block
  3. Press CTRL+N (new file)
  4. CTRL+V
  5. Repeat for every code block
  6. After every code block is in its own file, reverse the process and paste each file contents back into the original file
  7. Repeat steps 1 through 6 about 5,000 times

Summary

Repeat the above skill drills 5,000 times every day for the next 5,000 days and you’ll be ready to apply for that fantastic junior entry level programmer analyst position you’ve been waiting for!  Don’t wait!  Get started today!

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