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These are just five (5) of the most common statements/assertions/quotes I’ve overheard over the years while working in IT.  Every time I hear them, I have to take a deep breath and suppress my inner angst (to put it mildly).  This post isn’t all that funny actually, but I ran out of coffee and it’s too late for bourbon on a weeknight.  So I attached my custom-fit tin-foil hat and henceforth pontificate…

“The goal of Automation is that it frees up employees to focus on other important tasks”

Conceptually, this is plausible.  But, and this is a big BUT (and I cannot lie, all you other brothers can’t, oh never mind…), it depends on the source.  ‘Who’ initiates the push towards automation is what determines the validity of this statement the most.  If the premium placed on automation is cultivated in the ranks, this statement can be, and often is, very real.  However, when it’s initiated from the “top” (usually business, rather than technical ranks) it’s almost always (okay, 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the time) aimed at reducing staff and employee costs.

I’ve seen various spins and flavors of this, depending upon business culture.  The “reduction” can range from departmental shifts, to demotions, contracting-out, layoffs, and outright terminations (depending upon applicable labor laws).  Indeed, as much as I love (and earn a handsome living on) business process automation, using IT resources, I never allow myself to forget the ultimate goal: to reduce human labor demand.  The more I spend time with non-IT management, the more I see evidence to prove this assertion every day.

With that said, if your particular automation incentives are derived internally, push onward and upward.  Don’t let me talk you out of that (why would I?)

“The value of the cloud is that it enables on-prem expansion with fewer constraints”

This is a contextual statement.  Meaning, taken out of context, it is indeed a valid statement.  However, when inserted into standard sales talk (also commonly and scientifically referred to as “talking shit”) it’s often sold as being the premium value in the over-arching model.  In reality, I have seen only two (2) cases, and only heard of two (2) others, out of dozens of cases, where an infinite hybrid model was the ultimate goal of a cloud implementation project.

The majority of enterprise cloud projects are aimed at reducing on-prem datacenters, often to the point of complete elimination.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with that; it makes good business sense.  But selling it under a false pretense is just wrong.  Indeed, of the last five (5) cloud migration projects I’ve been involved with, the customer stated something akin to “I want to get rid of our datacenters” or “I want all data centers gone“.  The latter quote came from a Fortune 100 company CIO, with a lot of datacenters and employees.

“Who needs sleep?”

Don’t fall victim to this utter bullshit.  If you believe you only need a “reboot” as often as your servers do, you’re putting your own life at a lower value than common hardware.  If you’re a “night owl”, that’s fine, but only as long as you adjust your wake-up time to suit.  Always ask yourself where this inclination to never sleep starts.  Is it coming from management?  From your peers?  From personal habit?  If it’s coming from management, move on to a better workplace.  If it’s coming from your peers, you need to expand your network.  If it’s coming from personal habit, fix it.

A few years ago, I fell into the habit of working myself almost (literally) to death.  Mostly from what I call “code immersion”.  That urge to “get one more line done” and then another, and it never ends.  I was averaging 2-3 hours of sleep over the course of a year.  It finally caught up to me in a very bad way.  I’ve since taken action to prevent that from happening again.  I’ve seen way too many people die from not taking care of themselves.  Way too many.  Don’t be another statistic.

“This is cutting edge”

I have another quote (and I’m still trying to identify the true source of it), that runs counter to that: “We live in ancient times“.

Everything we do in IT, and I mean EVERYTHING, will be gone from this Earth long before most of the furniture in your house.  Long before your house is gone.  Statistically speaking, this is a valid statement.  Information Technology is a process, not an end result.  It’s a process of optimizing information access and accuracy, which evolves over time.  The tools and technologies employed to that purpose also evolve.

“The customer is always right”

If they were, then why do they need you?  And more importantly, why are they paying you to help them?  That said, the customer holds the purse strings, and the promise of future work, so don’t ever charge out of the gate with a smug demeanor.  Every new customer engagement should start off deferential.  It should then evolve and progress based on circumstances and communication.   However, anyone who works in IT and insists that the customer is “always right” is misguided or just stupid AF.

Honorable mentions (phrases that annoy the $%^&* out of me)

  • “You can’t afford NOT to!”
  • Excessive use of buzzwords like “holistically”, “literally” and “ummm”
  • “It pays for itself!”
  • “It’s the next ______, only better!”
  • “Why? Because ours is a better solution”
  • “The Cloud is a fad”

Summary

Everything you read above could, quite possibly, be entirely rubbish.  After all, I’m a nobody.  I just call it as I see it.

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