The Douche Drinker

  • smug
  • over-groomed
  • spends 4 hrs every morning in front of a mirror
  • stares at his/her own fingernails most of the meeting


  • Adderol addict or simply over-caffeinated (usually carries energy drinks around)
  • defensive and reactive
  • untrusting
  • might lose grip on pencil swatting at a fly

Beach Bum

  • relaxed at all times, almost to the point of snoring
  • dresses sloppy, maybe even crocks or flip-flops
  • acts as if bank account is overflowing
  • doesn’t care about what others think, even managers

Mine Furher

  • serious at all times, rarely smiles
  • assumes everyone else in the room is a spy
  • adds 7 days to every step in a project “just to be sure”
  • may glare at times as if whoever is speaking might need to be exterminated

Mr. Insecure

  • may also be flinchy or SS
  • wears vendor shirts to meetings
  • flaunts certs in public (shirts, ball caps, coffee mugs, pens, etc.)
  • feels need to mention his/her certs in every conversation
  • responds with “but what if…?!” even before the question is asked


  • extremely fit, may even kiss their own biceps repeatedly at times
  • wears overly tight clothing
  • talks loud, steps on others when talking
  • uses UFC analogies for for explanations (example: “the option is like an arm bar that makes the other services tap out and cry for mercy!”)

Jaw Jacker

  • never shuts up, never, ever, never, never, ever
  • over-explains everything to the point of making Wikipedia cry for mercy
  • talks and talks and talks and talks, and then…. talks some more
  • master of using 500 words to explain what a mouse is

Puppy Dog

  • plays with phone while ignoring meeting discussions
  • never takes notes
  • plays with things while others are talking
  • drops phone repeatedly
  • often blurts out when losing a game on their phone, and may or may not apologize for interrupting the meeting

Inspector Gadget

  • usually shows up with latest trendy gadgets
  • can’t wait to tell you how great the new gadgets are
  • only takes 10 minutes to tell you they’re already bored with new gadget and are waiting for the next prototype to be available and why it’s going to be super-awesomely incredistatical and phenomenal and all that

The Genius

  • stays quiet until asked a direct question
  • speaks only to the point of the question
  • responses are short, and to-the-point. can somehow, magically, answer a question with a “yes” or “no” and not give into the temptation to continue beyond that.
  • watches the other freaks dance around and consume oxygen
  • often sits in the back or off to the side

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