There’s been, and continue to be, no shortage of IT “boot camp” events.  If *I* were given a budget, I’d do things different.  It would be more like military boot camp.  And yes, there’d be a bell to ring for those who couldn’t hang.


Here’s a preliminary plan:

Day 1

  • Orientation (0500)
  • Initiation (0530)
    • explanation of course goals
    • tour of snack room
    • tour of restooms
  • 20 push-ups (0600)
    • tests ability to lift computer boxes
  • 50 finger pulls (0615)
    • each finger attached to a 5 lbs weight
    • 50 lifts per finger
    • strengthens coding skills
  • Caffeine Chug (0645)
    • 1 pint per minute, 10 minutes, no stopping
    • prepares candidate for meeting marathon
  • Meeting Marathon (0700)
    • 4 hours of sitting in a 82 F degree closed-door conference room
    • Lecture on how Assembler was invented and DETAILS of how it works
    • No cell phones, tablets, laptops or wristbands
    • No vaping
    • camera will detect if eyes close for more than 3 seconds
  • MBA Waterboarding (1100)
    • candidate will receive conflicting direction from three (3) peer-level superiors
    • candidate MUST satisfy all 3 requests without question
  • Lunch (1200)
    • donuts
    • vaping juice
    • cigarettes
    • Red Bull
  • Beer Chug (1230)
    • candidate must consume 10 bottles of Dogfish 120 IPA in 10 minutes
    • after consuming beer, candidate must write a polymorphic algorithm which consumes 3 different XML feeds, converts them to JSON, consumes the JSON output to build a team of virtual servers in Azure and then migrates those same virtual machines to AWS, without any downtime.
  • Restroom Break (1400)
  • MBA Waterboarding II (1405)
  • Warehouse Marathon (1600)
    • Unload a truck of 250 boxed desktop computers
    • Stack boxes in sequential order by serial number
    • Scan and enter all serial numbers into 1990’s outdated inventory system
  • Shit-Shooting (1700)
    • Meaningless conversation
    • Conversation scores points based on sufficient coverage of the following subjects:
      • “Best programming language”
      • Latest trending WorldStar video
      • Debate why Android is better than iOS, and vice versa
      • Humans being replaced by robots and automation
  • Close-out (1800)
    • Debrief candidates on what they should have learned on Day 1.

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