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So many “Top 5 skills” articles lately, as always, and they always take the safe road.  They never bring up the ugly side of working in an office environment.  The tribal mentality, pecking order, watercooler gossip, rumor mill, world that many find themselves employed within.

1. Ego reinforcement

Be prepared to play the role of David Spade in Coneheads.

2. Damage repair

Be prepared to play the role of David Spade in Coneheads.

3. Political stealth ninja

Be prepared to play the role of Michael Kelly (aka Doug Stamper) in House of Cards. And play the role of David Spade in Coneheads.

4. Flexible semi-mastery

Be prepared to play the role of Doug Stamper in House of Cards.  “No sir, I have not ever designed and deployed a virtual data center.  But I’m sure I can handle it.  Thank you for counting on me, sir. I won’t let you down.”

5. Budget mastery

Be prepared to play the role of any of the suits that appeared in front of the House Finance committe in 2009 when the TARP bill was being argued.  Practice responses to questions using phrases like “I’m sorry.  Could you repeat the question?” and the infamously winner technique of repeating the question back to the source as if confirming it, but in a condescending tone.

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