image

For those well-dressed IT executives who were busy scanning the latest issue of Forbes while sitting in their CS architecture class in school when they should have been learning about computers. Some of them picked up a few bad habits that real IT staff have endure. Here’s s a few:

“Excel Database”

This phrase is generally used by idiots.  Anyone who uses this phrase with sincerety deserves a dose of pepper spray to the face and a kick to the groin with a firmly-strapped stainless steel ice-climbing boot. These two words do not belong in the same sentence. Like politics and honesty.

“Software License”

MBA translation:  a pass to use the software product anywhere, anyway and on as many computers as they please.

Real-world translation:  an overly-complicated legal document that essentially spells out how you (customer) are allowed to use said product from (vendor), which they still own, under the enclosed terms, and OH BY THE WAY, you also grant said (vendor) full rights to audit your use and compliance of said product for the purposes of ensuring you aren’t behaving like an MBA.

“Inventory”

A mythical collection of information that pretends to accurately describe all assets owned and maintained by the organization.

“SLA”

A term used to describe undeliverable promises to unsuspecting customers.

“Cloud”

MBA translation : magical stuff on the Internet that fixes all problems for a small monthly fee.

Non-hallucinogenic translation : remote data centers, stuffed with thousands of racks and servers, with miles of cooling duct, electrical cabling, and ethernet cabling, located in huge buildings somewhere near rural farms where land is cheaper, and connected with miles of expensive fiber, and pretty html web forms to well-paid customers wearing suits who think excel is a database application.

“Assessment ”

MBA translation : an expensive consulting engagement which produces a magical playback from which all the company’s problems will easily be solved by following a numbered checklist.

No-Bong translation : an overpriced paper report outlining what to buy with money recouped from squeezing and terminating staff. If only they’d realize that it’s harder to rollout and maintain new stuff with fewer skilled people on staff.

Advertisements

One thought on “Crash Course in IT MBA Speak

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s