I won’t miss 2014. Well, maybe just a little bit more than 2013. 2013 was a horrifically bad year for me and my family. 2014 was an improvement, but I’m ready for 2015. During the past year I’ve compiled a list of my “top five” gripes. Enjoy!
So much of 2014 was filled with empty promises of amazing wunder-tech awesomeness. Stop telling us about it and just &&&&-ing release the #### already!
Think of it like getting ready to have sex. You’re pouring a glass of wine for your inevitable partner, and trying to get the mood going. You dim the lighting. Put on some Barry or Luther with a little emphasis on the bass settings, and made sure to wash that soft cover on the sofa. Yeah. Even your cat seems to be on the payroll, strolling by all soft and fluffy, drawing the other person with words like “awwwww. so cuutttte!“. You are indeed workin it smoove!
And then you start blabbering like Gilbert Gottfried about how awesome the lovemaking and sex are going to be. This new product is going to be amazing! This new software release is going to change everything. Going Going Going…. geez.
At first it’s interesting, but then after 30 minutes, and then an hour of it, your date is flipping through their phone contacts for a quick exit strategy. In this cheap metaphor, you are Microsoft/Apple/Google/whoever, and the date desperately hoping for a SEAL team to drop in through a hole in the ceiling is the customer. Hype is bullshit. Deliver or shut up. Period.
Even pro athletes figured out long ago to make vague promises; avoid exact numbers. You don’t often hear a running back say “I’m going to run 250 yards today and score 13 touchdowns.” That’s just in the movies.
Are you sitting down? Good. I don’t want to shock you and cause you to pass out or anything. So here goes: Politicians have a job. It’s called “politics“. It’s not called “I’m here to do whatever (fill-in your name) wants me to do.” It’s called politics. The goal of politics is simple: Do the bidding of whomever pays you the most money. In case you haven’t figured that out yet, corporations have a lot of money. They also like laws passed which will help them make more money. You and I don’t factor into that anywhere unless you (a) own a big company, or (b) won the lottery.
So, whenever you hear some bullshit distraction debate droning on from across the room, ask yourself: does this really change anything about my life *directly* and *right now*? Will it ever really *directly* impact my life? Or is something that will impact someone else and I’m just going to feel offended or left out?
If someone gets a law passed that offends your morals, is that going to make YOU start doing it too? Will it FORCE anyone you know to start behaving differently? Like if they passed different abortion, marijuana or gun laws, will you wake up the next day with a strong yearning to get a gun to rob a pot shop on your way to getting an abortion? If it does, please capture that on video for the rest of us to watch? I’m serious. That would be kind of entertaining.
3. Flavored Beer
Seriously?! Strawberry Jalapeno beer?! WTF? If you need to flavor your beer with fruits and spices and crap, start drinking wine. Putting the douche wrench onto the nuts and bolts of beer is like making your SmartCar into a 4×4. Cute, but for what?
2. Regurgitated Intellect
Twitter, Facebook, and all the social media pipelines seem to be flush with a lot of repeat information. Something is announced, and one hundred folks tweet/post/instagram it, and for each of those, another 1,000 others retweet/repost/re-instagram it, and it just grows exponentially. I have to admit, I’ve been guilty of that too.
Reposting something that was already posted doesn’t make you smart, or “in the know”, it just makes noise. I get enough noise on my way to work. A lot of folks forget that people on Twitter subscribe to a lot of others by topic. So they follow ten or twenty other IT nerds, and they all report the same “announcement” at the same time. It just shines a light on how much time is wasted. Do I want to get my “high-tech” advice from someone who wastes a lot of time? IT is supposed to be about efficiency. Post something unique.
I’m going to work extra hard in 2015 to make less noise and post more original content. Even if I need to cite someone else, I will strive to do so only when I can layer enough douchy, stupid sauce on it to make that dead fish look and smell like a dead cat. It’s for the good of mankind.
1. Water-boarding News
A shooting here. A kidnapping there. A crash here. A rape there. I only need to hear it once. I get absolutely NOTHING out of hearing the same story repeated over and over. Look, I’m really sorry to hear about the kids getting shot by cops, or the school getting blown up by a suicide bomber.
But hearing that story reported to me twenty times per day for twenty days, while I’m driving to my job to sit and smack a keyboard and convince myself that I’m doing something beneficial for mankind, doesn’t bring that kid back to life. It doesn’t stop other cops from doing it again, or prevent suicide bombers from walking into other schools.
The only thing I ever get from hearing news repeated over and over is numb. It just emphasizes the negative and without a positive progression of details, it also conveys a sense foreboding. The feeling that bad things aren’t improving and never will. Great. Life sucks. Thank you for reminding me at 7:00 AM, Noon and 5:30 PM every &&&&-ing day. And, as soon as the verbiage strays from reporting “facts” it’s no longer “news”. Remember that.
2015 – I am ready for you.